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Upright Citizens Brigade

HOW SAFE ARE THE DOLPHINS??

THE ELSTON READER
July 12, 1999
(Rebute, South Dakota)

-- Tuna companies across the nation have issued a recall on all "dolphin safe" tuna cans that were shipped July 12. The cans are being recalled after several customers found traces of latex and cream like substances in their tuna dinners. Unfortunately, the verdict is still out on what the exact substance is or if it has any correlation to the tuna crop. The tuna companies are denying an allegations of tampering or improper procedure.

 

THE PEACE KEEPER PRESS
June 30, 1999 (Westcoast, California)

-- Greenpeace officials are launching a protest and say they have "documented" evidence showing that tuna boats are causing crimes against nature. The organization charges that careless fishing boats are capturing large amounts of dolphins each day in their tuna catch.

They also claim tuna company distributors are turning their backs as dolphin meat ends up in the cans of tuna that are on grocer's shelves. "It's not our fault if dolphins were getting caught in our nets" said one seaman. "In the past month I've seen most of the dolphins jumping into our nets for no reason -- almost suicidal." Since June 27th, ocean scientists have been looking into possible causes of dolphin suicides.

 

THE DAILY HEARALD BUGLER
June 24, 1999 (Goodplace, Arkansas)

-- The nation's leading condom company reported a break this week with an unknown quantity of product taken. A spokeperson for the company said, "Our security team reported a break by a team of older looking muscular men close to retirement age. However we haven't been able to confirm this with cameras in our factory."

The spokesperson said each guard has taken a mandatory drug test, but results are not back from the lab as of yet. The company has checked the batch of condoms and has found no tampering or any other signs of a possible motive for this bizzare event.