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The United Competition Board Presents:
The XXX Games

The Inside scoop on the UCB sponsored XXX Games -
WHO, WHAT, WHERE , WHY and HOW

 
Dennis Rodman

In response to the recent popularity of fringe, so-called "Extreme Sports", such as snowboarding, bungee jumping and street luge, major athletes are taking a stand-by participating in the UCB-sponsored XXX Games.

Rage. Ego. Substance abuse. The XXX-Games.

"The XXX-Games are proof that professional athletes in the three major sports are capable of more extreme behavior than any punk kids," said Dennis Rodman, finalist in last year's XXX Games Photographer Kicking competition.

Though frequently vilified for their extreme behavior in public, popular athletes desiring to compete for the crown of extreme behavior have taken part in the underground XXX-Games for more than two decades. However, it has taken until the late 1990's for the XXX-Games to go public, where the violent and antisocial behavior of professional athletes has finally begun to receive the respect it deserves.

Judges for the competitions are the retired former participants, the XXX-Games Hall Of Famers. Among the judges chosen for the 2000 season are Wilt Chamberlain and Lawrence Taylor.

LT, who dominated the stimulant ingestion category in the mid-80's, had this to say: "I'd just like to thank Lyle Alzado, who was the Sammy Sosa to my Mark McGwire. His steroid abuse was an inspiration to us all."

Notable omissions from the judges' ranks in recent years have been many qualified New York Yankees. "We just got tired of picking Yankees every year," said XXX-Games standout O.J. Simpson.


"We just got tired of picking Yankees every year."


"Sure, you got this legacy of Mantle, Ruth, [Babe Ruth's "called shot" has yet to be bested in the XXX-Games alcohol abuse category. -ed.] whatever, but it really screws up the game when they keep croaking because they can't hold their liquor. Hell, Billy Martin's drunk driving accident left us without a judge and almost ruined the season. We had to hire that fat-ass Bobby Knight."--Simpson

Also on the judging committee this year are Pete Rose and his bookie.

Among this year's preseason favorites are Latrell Sprewell in the Strangling Competition, Mike Tyson in the all-around Brutality Games, and Wade Boggs in the F*cking Margo Adams category.

Fuzzy Zoeller has also gained the attention of judges with his prodigious prejudice. However, Jimmy the Greek's preseason pick for all-around XXX-Games champion is Darryl Strawberry, for his projected triple crown of Coke/Whores/Lying.

Darrrrrryl

Strawberry managed to combine his performances in all three categories in one act; requesting sex from an undercover female officer whilst having cocaine on his person. Strawberry proceeded to place his dazzling bid in the Lying Competition by stating to authorities that he was "just joking" about the sex.


The XXX-Games are set to be held in Salt Lake City, Utah.

More XXX Games Info...

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