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Bongboy is a mysterious felon who seems to appear wherever there is human tragedy, where he smokes illegal substances. In his long and strange career, no one has ever been able to pinpoint exactly how Bongboy finds each of these scenes, or why he began to ritually get high there.

No one can pinpoint Bongboy's actual age, but accounts of a pipe-wielding figure at events of human suffering have prompted some to theorize that he is older than he looks. The most outrageous of these theories belongs to Lynn Alessi, Assistant Manager of Chumpy's Sporting Goods and Bongboy historian.

Highway Disaster, 1977"No one wants to believe the truth about Bongboy," writes Lynn in her upcoming book, The Truth About Bongboy, "but when I was four I got a little piece of my pinky chopped off in a folding chair. I was home all alone, screaming and crying and bleeding, and then I smelled smoke. I looked over and saw this long-haired guy with a pipe. And the more I smelled the smoke from his pipe, the less I was screaming and crying. Now it's 40 years later and he doesn't look a minute older."

Student Riot, 1968After several attempts of trying to hurt herself in order to prompt Bongboy's appearance so she could question him, Lynn did some historical research that yielded some strange results. Though the most widely publicized Bongboy sightings have been at O.J. Simpson's home in Brentwood and in Tianenmen Square, few know that National Guard cadets reported a figure similar to Bongboy at the Kent State massacre. Additionally, the FBI is still looking for a wandering hippie purported to be present at the JFK assassination. And many witnesses to the Hindenberg disaster give accounts of a long-haired man that used the burning remains of the downed blimp to light a plant-smoking device.

Heaven's Gate Compound, 1997 The list continues: it is said that General Custer saw such a figure at Little Big Horn and tried to arrest him. In addition, early Native Americans speak of the legend of the "Dream Walker." In the legend, the Dream Walker, a skinny, pipe-smoking spirit, appears to decide the fate of every great battle. Other accounts of a thin, substance-smoking twentysomething have been recorded in ancient Sumerian tablets as well as in the Dead Sea Scrolls. Many historians believe that a Bongboy-like person used to party with Genghis Khan. Wherever he has turned up in history most witnesses say the same thing. It is bad luck to hassle Bongboy while he is getting high.

Berlin Wall, 1989Despite all this, Lunatic has long since cared about where Bongboy is from or why he does what he does - he only wants to put Bongboy behind bars. Lunatic has nearly arrested Bongboy 174 times in his career, but somehow Bongboy has always managed to escape. Bad luck to hassle Bongboy while he is getting high, indeed.

Upright Citizens Brigade