Bongboy is a mysterious felon who seems to appear wherever there is human
tragedy, where he smokes illegal substances.
In his long and strange career, no one has ever been able to pinpoint
exactly how Bongboy finds each of these scenes, or why he began to ritually
get high there.
No one can pinpoint Bongboy's actual age, but accounts of a pipe-wielding
figure at events of human suffering have
prompted some to theorize that he is older than he looks. The most outrageous
of these theories belongs to Lynn Alessi, Assistant Manager of Chumpy's
Sporting Goods and Bongboy historian.
one wants to believe the truth about Bongboy,"
writes Lynn in her upcoming book, The Truth About Bongboy, "but
when I was four I got a little piece of my pinky
chopped off in a folding chair. I was home all alone, screaming and
crying and bleeding, and then I smelled smoke. I looked over and saw
this long-haired guy with a pipe. And the more I smelled the smoke from
his pipe, the less I was screaming and
crying. Now it's 40 years later and he doesn't look a minute older."
several attempts of trying to hurt herself
in order to prompt Bongboy's appearance so she could question him, Lynn
did some historical research that yielded some strange
results. Though the most widely publicized Bongboy sightings have been
at O.J. Simpson's home in Brentwood and
in Tianenmen Square, few know that National Guard cadets reported a
figure similar to Bongboy at the Kent State
massacre. Additionally, the FBI is still
looking for a wandering hippie purported to be present at the JFK
assassination. And many witnesses to the Hindenberg
disaster give accounts of a long-haired man that used the burning remains
of the downed blimp to light a plant-smoking
The list continues: it is said that General Custer saw such a figure
at Little Big Horn and tried to arrest
him. In addition, early Native Americans speak of the legend of the
"Dream Walker." In the legend, the Dream Walker, a skinny,
pipe-smoking spirit, appears to decide the fate of every great battle.
Other accounts of a thin, substance-smoking twentysomething have been
recorded in ancient Sumerian tablets as well as in the Dead
Sea Scrolls. Many historians believe that a Bongboy-like
person used to party with Genghis Khan. Wherever he has turned up in
history most witnesses say the same thing. It is bad
luck to hassle Bongboy while he is getting high.
all this, Lunatic
has long since cared about where Bongboy is from or why he does what
he does - he only wants to put Bongboy behind bars.
Lunatic has nearly arrested Bongboy 174 times
in his career, but somehow Bongboy has always managed to escape. Bad
luck to hassle Bongboy while he is getting