the real real world

(The Real Real World is not a continuous narrative. Each week's show is a self-contained scenario and improvised the night of the show based of the audience's suggestions. That said, here is an incomplete list of previous Real Real World Shows)

February 6

Location: Suburban VA
Occupation: Tarot Card Readers

Cast:

Star Jerry Giuliani Nan Milbank Leviticus Clive Lance, Director TJ, Camera

Summary: Star asks Jerry to take her headshots but is horrified when he manipulates them into sick pornography and posts it on the Internet. This coupled with his violence and antisocial acts against the rest of the house makes her suggest they kick him out of the house. It turns out Star has a few skeletons in her closet too, and there's a countermove to kick her out.

Ending: Jerry, annoyed my the indecisive house meeting, blows of the house with dynamite, killing everyone inside.
Quotes:

February 13

Location: New Jersey
Occupation: "Party City" Employees
Summary: Angered that Nan was given the position of store manager over him, Giuliani locks Clive and Milbank in the walk-in freezer and moves usurp the position. Three days later, Clive and Milbank are freed and move that Giuliani be kicked out of the house.

Ending: Giuliani is duct taped to a flagpole by Clive and Jerry, who sticks dynamite in his mouth. The fuse is to short and the house blows up, killing everyone.
Quotes: "I want to return to the land of rotating seasons!"-Clive

February 20

Location: Sodom and Gomorrah
Occupation: Fish Cleaners
Summary: Leviticus reveals his secret past-- before finding the lord he was a porn star. Phil uses copies of his old movies to blackmail him into finding him a ticket out of Sodom, or else he'll mail the videos to Leviticus' mother. Clive is fascinated by the videos, and wants Leviticus to teach him his secret on how to be with "the ladies in the black box."

Ending: God smites the Real World cast, turning them into pillars of salt.
Quotes: "I wasn't born Christian I was born-again." -Leviticus

February 27

Location:
Occupation:
Summary:

Ending:
Quotes:

March 6

Location: Staten Island
Occupation: Taxidermists

Cast:

Star Leviticus Jerry Nan Milbank Lance, Director

+ Leonard, the brilliant retard & Phil, the man from the witness protection program

Summary: Leonard squeezes Star's head as a sign of affection but she takes it as an attempted rape. Nan thinks Star would look better with a shaved head as the women of his island have. Jerry, Leonard, and Nan shave her head while she's sleeping and She demands Nan be thrown out of the house. Bored with the meeting, Leonard tries to start a game of touch football but just beats up everyone in the house, clinching their decision to kick him out instead.

Ending: Leonard walks out of the house, never to return, in slo-mo to the strains of "Don't Come Around Here No More."
Quotes: "Ready to shake it on up in the big town?" --Milbank "Excuse me, for a man who lives in the bush being thrown out of the house isn't much of a punishment."--Leonard

March 13

Location:
Occupation:
Summary:

Ending:
Quotes:

March 20

Location: South Africa
Occupation: Mediating Peace Between Hutus and Tutsis (who actually are Rwandan, if you're keeping score)
Summary: Nan and Giuliani make a deal that if Nan will act as his personal security team, Giuliani will find him a wife in the house. Star, who has a crush of Giuliani, agrees to dinner thinking it's with him rather than Nan. Giuliani spikes her drink and she gets drunker and drunker. The next morning, she wakes up in Nan's bed with a wedding ring on her finger and a lot of unanswered questions.

Ending: Angered Hutus and Tutsis storm the house and kill the cast.
Quotes: "Star want me." --Milbank, oblivious.
"You got married? Why didn't you ask me? I could have performed the ceremony!" --Leviticus

March 27 - the one show I didn't go to

Location:
Occupation:
Summary:

Ending:
Quotes:

April 3

Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Occupation:
Summary: Clive takes the wrong bus and gets lost at Dollywood, causing a plague outbreak. Milbank and Star try out for the Grand Ol' Opry. Leviticus' strong affection for Dolly Parton and her movies offends a local video clerk.

Ending:
Quotes:

April 10 --Nancy Drew's first Show

Location: Portland, Oregon
Occupation:
Summary: Phil finds out a fellow member of the Witness Protection Program-- a midget who ratted him out, is also in Portland. He hires Nan, Milbank and Jerry to kill him without the others knowing. Nancy Drew suspects something and disguises herself as the midget and tells the house of Phil's manipulations.

Ending:
Quotes:

April 17 - Leviticus' Last Show

Location:
Occupation:
Summary: Giuliani uses a secret broadcasting machine to communicate with Leviticus as the voice of God, with Nan as his god Baku, with Jerry as the devil and with Star as her conscience. Jerry stumbles onto the machine and pledges to be Giuliani's minion if he is allowed to use it as well. Jerry abuses the machine, forcing Star to undress as he watches and telling the rest of the house to do shameful and dangerous things. Giuliani and Jerry are discovered and Leviticus, his faith in God destroyed, becomes an alcoholic.

Ending: Giuliani and Jerry, after being kicked out, return and blow up the house.
Quotes:

April 24

Location: Nome, Alaska
Occupation: Cleaning Oil Spills

Cast:

Giuliani Nan Milbank Jerry TJ, Camera Lance, Director + Jamie Summers, the bionic woman & Hunter S. Thompson

Summary: Giuliani is fascinated by Jaimie's amazing powers and tries to learn her bionic secrets to take over the world. Jerry jerks off on a poster on Charles Manson while Nan accidentally hires himself a male prostitute.

Ending: The oil spill they're trying to clean catches fire and everyone burns to death.
Quotes:

May 1

Location: Greenwich, Connecticut
Occupation:
Summary: Local snobbery causes a problem for the Real Worlders. After Nan and Star cause a disturbance at a local gallery, a band of sophisticated art thieves find a way to blame them for their crimes.

Ending:
Quotes:

May 8

Location: Compton (Los Angeles), California
Occupation: Morticians
Summary: Nan gets in a street fight. Jerry has a tea party with corpses in the basement. which Milbank stumbles on to. More chaos erupts when a major West Coast gangsta rapper has his funeral at the Real World funeral home.

Ending:
Quotes:

May 15

Location: Gas, Kansas to Las Vegas
Occupation: Working for Buchanan's presidential campaign
Summary: Hunter S. Thompson, on the advice of his attorney, drives to Las Vegas with Nan and Nancy Drew. The rest of the house tries to get them back, and do some flyering for Buchanan in the process. They track him down, only to discover that he sold Nancy Drew into slavery. She escapes and returns, demanding Hunter be thrown out of the house.

Ending: Hunter S. Thompson, his Attorney, and a midget steal a plane and fly to Mexico.
Quotes:

May 22

Location: Newark, New Jersey
Occupation: Mummifiers
Summary: Nancy asks her father, Carson Drew, the well-known lawyer, to help find a cure for Clive's plague. He remembers the ancient cure of drinking the remains of a mummy. Clive tries it, and transforms into an all-powerful Mummy god. In the mean time, Nan attacks the local police and manages to get Giuliani, Milbank, himself, and the cameraman thrown in jail. They dig a hole in the wall to escape, but Milbank gets stuck halfway, with his rear end sticking into the prison. Being taken advantage of by the other prisoners, Milbank undergoes a spiritual awakening and becomes a Muslim.

Ending: Clive's mummy-power runs out, but not before he levels all of Newark and kills the other house members.
Quotes:

May 29- The Road Road Rules

Mission #1: Buy squid from a rabbi in a public bathroom in Pittsburgh
Mission #2: Play tic-tac-toe underwater and nude to a draw in Miami

Cast:

Giuliani Nan Milbank Lance, Director
+ Jamie Summers, the bionic woman & Kief Bootak, the Klingon rapper

Summary: Milbank overcomes his fear of nudity and sharks. Giuliani fights with the Bionic Woman over control of the money their quests earn them. Kief admires the smell of Milbank and comes to grips with his own cowardice.

June 5

Location: La Brea Tar Pits, California
Occupation: Prostitution
Summary: The house worries that Clive's plague will spread to them unless they isolate him.

Ending:
Quotes:

June 11: Marathon

Location: Miami, Florida
Occupation: Ferriers of Souls to Hell
Summary:The Grim Reaper grants the cast the power to kill anyone with a touch, but immediately they threaten to use their powers on each other. Nan is pissed Giuliani keeps stealing his peanut butter and isn't cleaning up the house. They accidentally kill the cameraman and then the fighting escalates until all of the Real Worlders have been killed.

Ending: The cast is doomed to argue forever in the pit of hell.
Quotes:

June 19

Location: Los Angeles, California
Occupation: Used Car Salesmen
Summary: Star waits all night to meet Johnny Depp at the Viper Room as the rest of the cast tries cocaine for the first time. Clive becomes obsesses with coke, selling all the cars at the Real World car dealership to members of an Irish gang for cocaine.

Ending:
Quotes: "I'm no longer Clive. I'm magical super-special Clive." --Clive

June 25: Showcase

Location: Sri Lanka
Occupation: Cannibal Chefs
Summary: The Real Worlders go on an outward bound adventure, but get angry at Milbank for always lagging behind. Giuliani seeks the stones of Molan Ra to take over the world, with Jerry as his minion. Milbank falls over a cliff and rather than get help, the Real Worlders decide to throw him out of the house, for his slowness, his overeating and the fact he does insulting impressions of house members behind their backs.

Ending: The rest of the cast falls over the same cliff, crashing to their deaths on top of Milbank.
Quotes: "I have to admit, I was a little flattered. I mean 'everyone does their Clive'."--Clive, on learning everyone does impressions of him.

June 26

Location: Bethlehem, Pennsylvania
Occupation: Florists
Summary: Nan is freezing in the Pennsylvania winter and Clive is annoyed and confused by the traditions of Christmas that he does understand. The cast overhears a phone conversation between Milbank and his mother in which she reveals his spot on the show was bought with a bribe. This gives everyone an excuse to dislike him more than they already did. Milbank's likable brother, Crawford, stops by for a visit and quickly replaces Milbank in the house. Unfortunately, he turns out to be too good to be true and have a shady past. Milbank tries to win back his place in the hearts of his housemates.

Ending: Milbank and Crawford battle it out in an abandoned steel mill, the rest of the cat boils to death in a vat of molten steel.
Quotes:

July 3

Location:Bagdad, Iraq
Occupation: Organizers of the Baghdad Philharmonic
Summary: Star suspects Nancy Drew of being Bulimic and Milbank reports it to the rest of the house, but later admits he just did it for the attention. Nancy resists help because she fears losing her particularly cruel pre-engaged boyfriend Ned Nickerson. Meanwhile, a home-sick Giuliani cries and leaves suicide note/world-conquest manifestos around the house. Nancy and Giuliani both get help, after Milbank intervenes, but no one gives him credit, causing him to fly of into a rage.

Ending: The entire cast is hung in the towns square by Anti-MTV protesters, except Milbank who no one pays attention to.
Quotes: "Goddamn it! You GODDAMN Drama Queen!"--Milbank, on Giuliani's suicide attempts
"What do you have to say, man-who-always-wears-a-scarf-in-all-kinds-of-weather?" --Clive, to Milbank

July 10

Location: Little Rock, Arkansas
Occupation: Mayonnaise Testers
Summary: After Jerry rants profanely, Star's defenses are dropped the couples desires take over. Meanwhile, Giuliani & Nancy's power struggle becomes a love affair. Milbank's constant lying about his "diet" makes Nan believe he's the greatest hunter ever and later that Milbank is an incarnation of his god Baku. The relationships turn sour and Nan finds out Milbank is no god and the whole house turns hostile.

Ending: Everyone makes up in the end, except Milbank who dances alone to Morrissey with his chocolate syrup in the moonlight.
Quotes:

July 17 - Leviticus' return

Location: Akron, Ohio
Occupation: Strippers
Summary: During a game of truth or dare, Giuliani kisses Clive. Nancy finds it titillating, Jerry is jealous, Leviticus is horrified, and Clive doesn't really care either way. Giuliani makes more of it than it is, and when he overhears Clive saying he's not really interested in him. In a rage, he runs away for three days, leaving the house to figure out who drove him away.

Ending: DEVO robots, programmed by Giuliani, kill the entire cast. Giuliani, outside, runs into the real DEVO, who kill and eat him.
Quotes:

July 24

Location: Trenton, New Jersey
Occupation: Parole Officers
Summary: Star and Nancy really have a problem with Levitcus' Bible-endorsed sexism. Milbank convinces Clive he's a magical giant who will crush Clive's village unless he does everything Milbank demands. Leviticus attacks Star and she steals his Bible, giving it to Clive who believes it to be a book of magical spells. Leviticus snaps and orders Milbank to kill Star and eat her as he takes Nancy Drew for "a ride." Leviticus tries to run over Nancy with his car, but swerves over a cliff and dies.

Ending: Leviticus ends up in heaven, which is entirely populated by founding fathers and Milton Berle. Star and Milbank reach an understanding, and sleep together.
Quotes:

July 31

Location: Portland, Maine
Occupation: Methadone Clinic Workers

Cast:

Jerry Leviticus Clive Giuliani Nan Milbank TJ, Camera
+ Jenn, the goth

Summary: Nan wants to try his hand at stand up comedy. Clive strikes out with the ladies. Milbank reveals at a game of bowl of questions that he can't read and Jerry takes it upon himself to teach him, using Leviticus' bible. Jenn who claims Milbank as her only friend and despises Jerry, sleeps with Clive to get back at him. Leviticus, already angry at Milbank for giving free Meth to junkies, is furious when Jerry has taught Milbank the bible is full of violent pornographic scenes and profanity. A brawl breaks out and Jenn, neglected, attempts suicide. After everyone is out of the hospital, they deside to throw Jerry out of the house

Ending: Methadone-charged junkies and cops break into the house and attack, killing everyone.
Quotes:

August 7

Location: The woods of Burkittsville, Maryland
Occupation: Selling Tents and Camping Supplies

Cast:

Star Jerry Nancy Drew Giuliani Nan Milbank Leviticus Clive Lance, Director TJ, Camera

Summary: Clive is angry at Nan as he has been fishing all day and Nan has been stalking the fish underwater and leaping out and catching them all. Nan is more concerned about the noises and voices he's been hearing in the woods at night. Leviticus tries to cure Milbank of the sin of gluttony. Nancy Drew is quickly thrown out of the house after Jerry takes over her soul and they hold auditions for a new house member. They reject The Hardy Boys, siting the problems they've had with teen sleuths they've had in the past, and several others to accept Mayor Guiliani to replace Nancy. The noises in the woods get louder and more troubling in the coming episodes. The house desides to try and find out what's causing them. Milbank finds Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys performing black magic in the woods and trying to scare the Real Worlders, and joins their side. The Real Worlders find the butchered parts of Milbank strewn about the woods. Nancy, reveals herself to be the Blair Witch and Clive dies on the spot.

Ending: Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys kill the rest of the cast in a gory finale. In the background Milbank(!) laughs as Cap'n Crunch cascades down his face.
Quotes: "Kin ah rape you now?" --Nancy, possessed by Jerry's soul

August 14

Location: Utica, New York
Occupation: Jello Testers

Cast:

Star Nancy Drew Giuliani Nan Milbank Lance, Director TJ, Camera
+ Jenn, the goth & DJ Deadley, the white rapper

Summary: A town controlled by the Klu Klux Klan tears the cast apart. Milbank joins, convinced by the local grand wizard, that the point of the Klan is going bowling, playing darts, and eating BBQ. Giuliani joins, with the intent of using the Klan's arsenal to take over the world, and he drags DJ Deadley along who insists being seen on TV joining the Klan will ruin his street cred. The house tries to convince Milbank to ditch the Klan, but even Jenn's revelation at the last minute that under her gothic makeup, she is black doesn't help.

Ending: DJ Deadley pulls a gun on Milbank as the Klan enters. A brawl breaks out, everyone dies.
Quotes: "The Klan hates me" -Jenn, building upon her belief that everyone in the house hates her. "I think the Klan has a crush on me" --Star

August 20

Location: Annapolis, Delaware (not Maryland)
Occupation: Performing Autopsies

Cast:

Star Jerry Nancy Drew Giuliani Nan Milbank Lance, Director TJ, Camera

Summary: Living in a semi-functioning lighthouse, the cast starts to get a little stir crazy. First, Nan beats up two Moonies on the street who try and offer him flowers. Jerry, in the morgue, puts rollerblades on the corpses and otherwise mishandles his responsibilities. When some naval officers invite Nancy and Star to a mixer, Jerry crashes the party and declares himself "the soldier of FUCK" and attacks everyone. The local police pin all disturbances in the town on Jerry and confine him to house arrest. This only makes him more crazy than usual and his housemates suffer more than usual.

Ending: Jerry breaks house arrest and the police arrive. A brawl ensues, killing everyone but Milbank.
Quotes: "I had a dream I was following a trail of rocks. I was wondering where'd all these rocks come from. And when I got to the end of the trail, there you were, Nancy, and you were menstruating boulders!" -- Jerry

August 28

Location:
Occupation:

Cast:

Star Jerry Nancy Drew Giuliani Nan Milbank Lance, Director TJ, Camera

Ending:
Quotes:

September 4

Location:
Occupation:

Cast:

Star Jerry Nancy Drew Giuliani Nan Milbank Lance, Director TJ, Camera

Summary:
Quotes:

September 11

Location:
Occupation:

Cast:

Star Jerry Nancy Drew Giuliani Nan Milbank Lance, Director TJ, Camera

Summary:
Quotes:

September 18

Location: Dover, Delaware
Occupation:

Cast:

Star Jerry Clive Nan Milbank TJ, Camera
+ Susie, the Brittany Spears superfan & LouAnne, the cheap transsexual + Max Kim, assistant camera

Summary: In a town where the only entertainment comes from the local shopping center, The Taj Ma-mall, Jerry finds himself drawn to the seedier attractions. Nan accompanies him to a local crack den where he witnesses Jerry have many "visions." The rest of the house is worried since neither Nan or Jerry has been home for days. Clive and Milbank's relationship is crumbling as Clive demands Milbank's magical giant powers be used to protect him and Milbank refuses to let Clive's pus-oozing boily hands make him a sandwich. Jerry returns, still hopped up on crack, and initiates Milbank into his possee by loading his Marshmallow Fluff with powder. Star and Susie protest and try to get him councelling. Clive tries to win over Milbank by performing the dangerous initiatiation ritual to join Jerry's crack posse involving kidnapping orphans and covering them in butter. Star is the only one to resist the "magic powder," and moreover is annoyed that their friends from the crack den keep staying over at the house. She demands Jerry leave the house, but everyone is too stoned to care.

Ending: After a drug-fueled brawl kills everyone in the house, Jerry's friends from the crack den come by and steal all their wallets.

Quotes: "I'm Nan! I'm Milbank!" -- Jerry on a bender as he rips off his shirt and then stuffs Marshmallow Fluff into his face, cakes it on Milbank's face, and then flings the Fluff all over the stage, the audience, himself and everyone else on stage.

 

 
   
 

the camera-addict   the islander the 900 lB teenager the serial-killer   the born-again
 
the plague-ridden peasant   mayor giuliani  
the teen sleuth
  the director   the cameraman